


if you know what I mean

by dirty_diana



Category: Crooked Media RPF
Genre: Banter, Friendship, Getting Together, M/M, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-25 19:56:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17127743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirty_diana/pseuds/dirty_diana
Summary: Louis does not have a crush on Ira, because how ridiculous would that be?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [duckgirlie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/duckgirlie/gifts).



> I had no idea I shipped it till I read your request. :) Last minute beta by Primeideal.

In retrospect, the Oscar party is a mistake. Not as big an error as the Academy snubbing Myrna Loy until after she died, but still. A pretty big one. Louis is full of regrets, like Madonna during her MDNA era.

"Can I bring a plus one?" Ira asks. 

"I don't know, can you?" Louis answers. "It's not your dog, is it?"

"I only did that one time," Ira insists. His mouth curls up. It's cute. And annoying. It's cutely annoying.

*

Plus one, Louis assumes, means some friend of a friend who's new to LA. Some art school baby gay with big doe eyes and far too many sarcastic punny t-shirts, and too many opinions on the film legacy of Brokeback Mountain. He isn't expecting the person who turns up at Ira's side instead, with a real job and a gym membership and the obnoxious first name of a California millennial. "Nice to meet you," Louis says, and retreats to the other side of the room in a flash, leaving his half-full spritzer on the coffee table in his flustered getaway.

"Who is that?" Louis demands of Kara a minute later. He spins his phone briefly so that his inward-facing camera captures the other side of the room, in what he hopes is a suave and unobtrusive manner. Like Robert Redford in The Sting.

Kara sighs over their Skype connection. The background behind her is a busy palette of motion, capped by the blue late afternoon sky. "Louis," she says, "I know I'm not the only one of Ira's friends that you know. Can you bother someone who's not working?"

Louis blinks, as a figure moved behind Kara and exposes a flash of garnet red sidewalk carpet. "Wait," he says, "are you actually at the Academy Awards right now?"

"Do you listen to anything I say?" Kara asks him.

"I listen." Louis shrugs. "I just figured sometimes you're embellishing a little. For the podcast. I do it all the time."

Kara rolls her eyes. "Go embellish your ass. I have to go, Louis, and listen. Ira is grown. He doesn't need you to worry about who he's dating. How about you cancel the background check and just go over there and have a conversation with his date like a regular-ass human being."

"I'm not worried," Louis protests. "Oh! Tell Meryl Streep I love her, okay?"

*

Louis spends most of the next podcast taping ranting about how Lady Gaga - excuse him, Ms. Stefani Germanotta - was robbed by the Academy. Ira's face creases into a goofy grin every time. 

"Bradley _been_ Cooper!" Ira shouts into the microphone at one point, making the recording tech wince, and all of them crack up laughing. Even Kara, who Louis is pretty sure still hasn't actually seen _A Star is Born_ but doesn't want to admit it.

"How's Carter?" Louis inquires after the taping.

"Who?" Ira asks, which is either petty or slutty. Either way kind of Louis loves it.

He persists, though, because he really wants the tea. "From Oscars night. Did I get his name wrong? Hunter? Mason? I'm just going to keep naming old-timey occupations, so you better stop me."

"I'm sure he's fine?" Ira shrugs and goes to the lobby to wait for his rideshare.

"See?" Kara says after Ira leaves. "I told you Ira could take care of himself.

*

So that's it. Roll credits.

*

Except Ira brings a completely different stranger to Coachella a few weekends later. Otto spends most of the day with his hand up Ira's terrible Hawaiian shirt. Louis goes back to the wine truck as often as he could. 

Kara elbows him the next day, midway during a Bebe Rexha set that feels like it might be going on for approximately forever. Louis is sprawled out on the grass, hiding his hangover behind an oversized pair of sunglasses and trying not to puke.

"Are you just going to self-medicate all weekend?" Kara asks him.

Louis groans. His throat hurts. He probably sounds like he's dying. "Why not? It worked for Elizabeth Taylor for like, thirty years."

The rubber soles of Kara's running shoes squeak as she sits down beside him. "I didn't think you were one of those friends?"

"What does that mean?"

"You know. Those friends that want everyone else to stay as miserable as they are. Ira's having fun. I don't get why you wouldn't be happy for him."

"I am," Louis protests.

"Oh, sure. That's why you're making that face at Otto every chance you get."

"I'm not making a face. That's just the Botox," Louis insists. Kara rolls her eyes.

*

Ira brings yet another guy to gay poker night. Ira doesn't actually play poker, and Louis doesn't remember inviting him. But to be fair he doesn't remember a single thing he might have said the previous weekend, so he's willing to let it go. Ira just stations himself on the couch with a cocktail in his hand and his date as his side, and cackles every time someone plays a straight flush.

"Straight? Not around here."

This one is younger than the last two. Louis would be impressed, if he weren't so irritated. Ira's date leaves before the end of the night. He's Ira's ride, so Ira finishes his drink and stands to leave with him.

"That's right, better bring that car back to Mom and Dad. Or they might not let you go to the West Beverly dance."

Ira chuckles, but it's snappish and weightless, not the musical sound that he makes when something is actually funny. "Whoa, there. Watch out with that sharp tongue. Can't just be mowing bitches down left and right like Uma Thurman in _Kill Bill_."

"I do look fabulous in a jumpsuit," Louis replies automatically.

*

Andy says, "have you considered just telling this guy that you're into him?" They'd left the last bar after the DJ played five bad songs in a row. Now they're wandering buzzed and aimless through Boystown, side by side, trying to cool off in the night air.

Louis makes a face. "I'm not."

"Is that why you've been talking about him all weekend."

"Okay, Iyanla. This hypothesis is both hilarious and hilariously wrong."

Andy says, "You know, I was on a game show one time."

"You don't say." Andy only ever brings up _Big Brother_ when he's about to say something Louis is really going to hate. Andy is one of Louis' best friends, and Louis' second favourite ginger after Nicole Kidman, but sometimes he gets stuck in Midwestern life coach mode and Louis can't seem to distract him out of it.

"Oh yeah. You know one of the things I got good at on that game show? Figuring out when fake bitches were completely full of it."

"How dare you," Louis says, before dropping the sardonic edge and taking a deep breath. "Okay, look. Ira and I have been friends for ages. We do a podcast together. We go to brunch together. I'd never even think of messing that up with some sort of Agnes Nixon-y tortured gay cliché."

"Everyone knows you hate a gay cliché," Andy says, but he mercifully drops the subject.

*

Louis video calls Ira from his parents' annual Independence Day barbecue. It's after five p.m., so his entire family is already drunk. Louis might be a little bit drunk too. He hasn't been counting the wine spritzers.

Ira's in Los Angeles. 

Louis squints at the dark background. "Are you in bed right now?"  
Ira's mouth turns up into a pout. It's fucking adorable. Louis blinks at the thought. "Yeah, I decided all these party invitations can keep it. I'm boycotting July 4. Donald Trump is still president, the new Jim Crow is still a thing, and I don't think I can take another red, white, and blue cocktail."

"And you're protesting by staying in bed instead. How very Yoko Ono of you."

"I'm watching _Love Island_." Ira launches into an excited explanation of the plots that makes Louis' head spin.

*

The thing is, Ira is one of Louis' favourite people in Los Angeles. Doing a weekly show with him is one of the most fun things Louis has ever done, and not just because it means he can cross "meet Kathy Griffin" off his bucket list.

Not that Louis really has a bucket list, but if he did he's sure it would be full of thrilling items such as "make it to the Showcase round on The Price Is Right" and "take the perfect selfie in front of the Eiffel Tower". He'd be crossing items off it with aplomb, not lying in his childhood bedroom, on a bedspread in a shade of purple that hasn't been fashionable since 2003, thinking about kissing his one of his best friends.

Louis looks dazedly up at the ceiling, and thinks, okay. This is a plot twist.

*

He video calls Andy the next day. He's in a rideshare on his way to the airport. The driver is pretending not to eavesdrop. "I don't know what to do. Should I play it cool? I should, shouldn't I? Not say anything."

Jud puts his giant Great Dane face in front of the camera, appearing in Louis' screen, and Andy gently pushes the dog away.

Andy sighs. "I can't believe you're making me play the wise gay friend in this terrible rom-com you're determined to star in."

"I always pictured you as more of a fairy godmother," Louis says. "Fairy, get it?"

"You're hilarious," Andy says, with an unamused eyeroll. "Be quiet. I have your solution."

"I'm listening."

"Step one. Calm the fuck down."

Louis takes a deep breath, loosening the tension in his limbs and the death grip he has on his cell phone. "Done, okay. Next."

"Step two, he's your friend, right? So talk to him like a rational, mature adult, and tell him how you're feeling."

"Rational, mature adult," Louis says. He keeps his tone light, trying to cover the panic he's feeling at the thought of facing Ira. "Where do I find one of those?"

"I am this close to hanging up on you," Andy tells him.

*

Louis gets back to LA. He doesn't say anything to Ira.

*

Lisa Vanderpump opens yet another mediocre LA bar, and Ira drags him out to check it out in the first week. He livetweets the entire experience. Ira's an embarassing nerd. It's one of the reasons they're friends, probably.

For maybe the first time all year, Ira doesn't bring a date. Instead, he spends the whole night flirting with the bartender. The bartender is wearing a t-shirt so thin that Louis can make out his nipples and the faint outline of an animal-themed tattoo, because of course he is.

By eleven pm Louis has gotten tired of watching this show. He interrupts a truly terrible joke Ira is in the middle of telling, that the guy is pretending to listen to. It's an act of mercy, Louis tells himself. "If you've got enough material for your article pitch, I'm going home."

Ira frowns, picking up on the sharpness in Louis' voice. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I'm just tired." Louis bites down hard on each syllable. Ira doesn't look convinced.

"Keep it. You've been giving me attitude all year. Didn't your mom ever tell you your face would get would get stuck like that?"

Ira is raising his voice. The whole bar is starting to stare, and Louis is a sucker for attention but he doesn't really want to be a subplot on _Vanderpump Rules_. He drops his drink on the bar as he leaves.

*

Somehow more than half the year has gone by, and it's already Leo season. Ira throws a party. Someone gets him birthday cake shaped like a giant bottle of Cava. There's sparkling wine in the icing.

"I didn't know if you would come."

"Of course I came. I wouldn't miss your birthday."

"Listen," Ira says, "You're my friend. I don't want to be in some kind of Cardi-Nicki situation with you."

"Am I Cardi B or Nicki Minaj in this analogy?" Louis asks.

Ira makes a face. "Cardi B," he says. "Obviously, girl."

"Cause I love a good bar brawl, right?"

Ira laughs, and fuck, Louis has really been missing that sound.

Fuck it. He's throwing caution to the wind.

Louis kisses him. He thinks, I could, and then he's doing it and Ira's mouth tastes sweet against his. Ira's eyelashes flutter confusedly when he pulls away. Louis wants to kiss him again. "What was that?"

"Guess you're going to have to figure it out," Louis says. He walks away and gets into his Uber, leaving Ira staring after him.

It's a good exit. He should copyright that shit.

*

Panic doesn't set in until the next day. They tape a show on Tuesday morning, and it's all awkward pauses and Kara staring at them both in confusion. Louis can't even think of a good joke about the highly entertaining and public social media meltdown that Hailey Baldwin's been having. That's how off his game he is.

"Maybe I should wait for him to come talk to me. You know, when he's ready and comfortable."

Andy sighs. "I feel like I'm trapped in the chorus of a Carly Rae Jepsen song."

*

Louis' birthday party is the next week. It's a daytime pool party full of gays wearing gaudy swim trunks, and drinks with umbrellas in them. Ira shows up hours into the gathering, just in time to watch Louis blow out his candles.

"Look who's late as usual," Louis says with no bite, when Ira sits down on a lounge chair beside him.

Ira shrugs. He's silent for a moment. "I have to ask you a question."

"Shoot."

"You kissed me," Ira says, and then stops.

"That's not a question," Louis says, even though he's not sure he really wants Ira to ask.

"Is that why you've been so grouchy whenever I've been bringing guys around?"

"The dating thing was an experiment in saying yes."

"Yeah, you were swiping right all the time. I got it."

"No." Ira shakes his head, glancing down for a moment. "I read it in a book. It's about experiencing life, and not letting things pass you by. It was a New Year's resolution thing, you know? Whatever. It was dumb."

"I didn't say that," Louis says quickly. "So, what did you learn? From this Eat, Pray, Gay Love experiment?"

"I haven't decided yet. I guess it's something to think about on my vacation next week. While I'm sitting on the beach, drinking mai tais out of a coconut."

Louis asks, "Oh, are you going on vacation? You haven't mentioned it at all." 

Ira's going to Fiji, and it's been a running bit on the show for the last three weeks. Ira chuckles, his face dimpling. It makes Louis smile back.

*

He and Kara do the show, just the two of them, on Tuesday morning. On Tuesday afternoon, Louis gets a call.

Ira is standing in the Polynesian morning sun, eyes hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses. The sky is a backdrop behind him that stretches out to infinity. "Guess where I am?"

"In Fiji?" Louis guesses.

"No, guess," Ira scolds, before continuing. "It's the tallest building I could find on the island." When he tilts his phone to give Louis the view over the edge, it looks to be about four or five stories down.

"That's quite the tourist attraction."

Ira reappears in the call screen. "Well, I figured you could meet me up here. If you wanted. Like, if you were serious about the kissing thing."

Louis' heart is suddenly racing. "You maniac. Did you just _An Affair to Remember_ me?" 

"Maybe?" Ira says. He looks shy again.

"I can't just leave LA on no notice," Louis protests. It's half-hearted. "I have responsibilities? I have a podcast to do."

"You can be back next week. Or not, I mean, we can both Skype in from the beach."

"Kara will murder us." Louis' mind is flying, working out the possibilities. He can be on a flight out of LAX tonight, probably. "Literally murder us."

"There's a bar up here," Ira adds. As if Louis really needs the full service sales pitch.

*

One of Louis' favourite _Jeopardy_ strategies is to bet everything on the Daily Double. Even if you're behind. Especially if you're behind, and you want to win it all.

Louis books a plane ticket.

*fin.


	2. Bonus

"My name is Kara Brown, and you're listening to _Keep It_. Ira's on vacation this week, and apparently Louis is also? On vacation? So I'm here in the studio talking to myself. It's kind of calming, actually. I'm thinking I should start my own podcast and just do this shit by myself. You guys tweet me @KaraRBrown, if you think that's a good idea."


End file.
